6/24/2017 0 Comments Life Update: First Half of 2017Alone, in one of the corners of a rectangular-shaped, dark chocolate-colored table, adjacent to a slogan painted on the wall saying “Stay hungry, stay foolish” by the fantastic Steve Jobs, with The Smith’s “Asleep” from Louder than Bombs plays in the distant background channeling my inner Charlie, there’s this soul wondering how his life had been for the past one hundred, eighty-two days, thirteen hours and five minutes. Wondering if he had gotten better than he was before just as what he promised to himself, if he had grown mature, if he is happier. 2016 was a very bad year. Last January 1st, we were given yet another chance to turn the tide around. To make up for whatever we have lost in the past, to be new. It has been 6 months since then, and how am I doing? How are you doing? How is my heart doing? To be honest, I’ve experienced twice the misfortune that I had in the past year within the first three months. I can say that I’ve been through my darkest days in the past 22 years of my life. I turned 23 last March and unlike other people who makes a big deal about their birthdays, I spent it alone within the four corners of my apartment. Although, lots of people don’t really make a big fuss about their birthdays, I love being festive and I wanted to celebrate it with people that I love, with the life where I can be happy. But it wasn’t the case. Just when things started to get bad, my relationships with the people around me got worse. I was left alone to face the burdens of the people who hurt and cheated on me despite of everything that I have sacrificed for them. I was forced to move out of my first apartment and was almost homeless, and my first company announced their bankruptcy. Writing this brings back the old grudges and hate that I felt. I developed an uncontrollable dose of anxiety. I was scared of everybody, thinking they might hurt me. But life –although it feels like it was sucked out of me, must go on. I never stopped searching for jobs, I’ve walked miles, submitted a lot of applications, had tons of interviews, and much more rejections. In a time where I was searching for any sunlight that my hands could grasp, I accepted infinite discouragements. Soon enough, I found myself in a job that I did not expect to have. Found people that made me feel better about myself. I thought that it was the starting point, that finally my life is getting better. Along with this constant struggle for making myself better, is a drive and craving for soul-searching. I used to think that people who needs to “find themselves” uses that as an excuse to escape from a drowning relationship, a lot of people do that but I can say that it really does happen. That complete nothingness that you feel when you wake up in the morning is just dreadful. I lost my will to function, my will to live. But I had to get up, I had to live with this –even if I did not want to anymore. I tried to find myself, tried to find the attention and love that was lost in all the places, including the wrong ones. I just couldn’t find myself. My judgement was so much clouded by what I experienced in the past that I block the people that might be good for me, thinking that they might hurt me eventually, a collateral damage that I regret. And as I was trying to fix myself piece by piece, people keep tearing them off. Few months had past, and I was able to gradually recuperate, I got better one day at a time. I was able to let people in my life, people that I thought was going to wreck me, even though all they really wanted was to help me recover. I had improvements in myself, especially in the way that I see the world around me. I used to feel so much hate for the things that had happened to me but now I learned how to be indifferent. I accepted the fact that it was meant to happen, that this is a part of my growth. Because that’s the thing about growing, you don’t get to pick your challenge nor escape it. The only thing to do is to conquer it, to solve it and face it head-on, and always remembering that you are not alone in this fight. I can’t say that I’ve totally recovered, but I learned to prioritize things that can make myself be better. My job, my family, the friends that had stuck with me through every episode and had never left me, putting myself first. This is what matters now. #SelfLove These past few days was great. I found people that have so much love and light within them that they can’t help but to share it with the world, their radiance is so contagious that you can’t hide from it. They became my source of sunshine in this cloudy time of my life. And not to mention, I’ve rediscovered myself. There were things that I never knew that I was capable of doing, things that I knew and had the time to practice them to reach their true potential, things that I can never discover and hone if I stayed with the people from my past. I can gladly say that I am starting to build myself up again. To all the people who’s been struggling with mental and emotional distress, remember to love yourself more. And it may be irritating to hear the phrase “it will be okay”, but it’s true. Everything will be okay. Your demons may always be there, but you can always conquer them like the strong person that you are. Everything will be okay. All the best, Bryan
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