10/8/2017 6 Comments The Pursuit for One's PlaceTerrifying as it may seem, there will be a time in our lives where we find ourselves lost–not belonging to any group, not in any of the so-called families that we recognize, not in any of the society’s factions (cue in Ellie Goulding’s “Beating Heart”), and you will feel that you don’t belong anywhere in the world. You meet people that would give you the feeling of being accepted but eventually, someone or something takes that away from you, giving you a hard time to actually find your place in the world. On my previous post, I shared my opinion on how your name gives you your space in this paradoxical world and how the pursuit for its true meaning greatly affects how you see the universe (You can read it here.). Now, the second question that my mom used to ask me when I was a kid was “Where do you live?” I know during those years, my parents’ objective was for me to get familiar with my address, (1) for me to know what I will say to my teacher or anyone if ever they ask and (2) kids look cute whenever they try to say something their parents’ would want them to say. I’d like to stick with the latter point. Ugh boy, was I cute. Where do you live?I’m no younger than twenty-three years old and I have lived in a lot of places, more than the places that most of my relatives combined had ever lived during their younger years. To simply enumerate, I grew up in a sub-urban town northeast of Mindanao – the southern major island here in the Philippines, after high school, moved to Marawi City for university, probably the center of the Muslim community in the ARMM, (at least in my perspective) and during those times I also found myself in Iligan City just more than an hour drive from Marawi to live with some of my homies, lived as a cultural ambassador in Texas for few months where I met wonderful people and made wonderful friendships, after which I found myself walking the streets of the Queen City of the South–Cebu, that I will always love and now in Metro Manila. In a year, I lived in three cities within the Metro–Pasig, Taguig and Quezon City, and now I got the fourth, I’m now living in Makati. I know it seems quite an awful lot of effort of finding my own place in this world, yet alone in the capital. My name gave me my space, my ticket to roam around this world but it did not give me a steady home (Not even until I moved out of my parent’s house anyway). To be honest, it was hard. Finding a place for your own, on your own and by your own means. I sometimes go back to those times when I used to get pissed in feeling so “confined” between the boundaries of my hometown, tired and sick of all the familiarity and asked myself “How can anybody live like this?” I would’ve warned myself about the obstacles of being independent, but even then I knew I had to get away, that it was the right thing for me to do. My parents knew even at a young age that my mind was different, that it was not meant to stay in one place. I remember at seven, I used to drown in my own thoughts so deep and serene that a butterfly can land on my nose and I won’t notice, and then my mother would wake me with a pinch so painful and, a phrase so familiar – “Asa na man ka?” or “Where are you?”. The difference with me and my seven-year-old-self is that he was ensnared between the boundaries and shores of my hometown, with his mind drifting but is not lost. Me? I’ve been traveling and wandering this world of individuality, having the freedom to go and live anywhere I desire. But every time I move in to a new place and get myself steady, I still wake up at night feeling nowhere to be found. Having read Elizabeth Gilbert’s famous book – “Eat, Pray, Love” for quite a lot of times, I have always been amazed by her description of the Balinese’s sense of Balance. And I quote, “The whole idea of Bali is a matrix, a massive and invisible grid of spirits, guides, paths and customs. Every Balinese knows exactly where he or she belongs, oriented within this great intangible map…For this, he [Mario] needs to know exactly where he is located at every moment, both in his relationship to the divine and to his family here on earth. If he loses that balance, he loses his power.” This incredible logic of knowing exactly where you are struck me geographically and figuratively, making me think – where am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going to go? I am totally lost. And when one’s sense of placement gets lost, bad things happen. I am still in the method of finding my way in this world, I do have a lot of prospects as to where I am going to settle, but that is not what is essential right now. I have to know where I am. Or else, I may as well say hello to Oblivion. Now, where are you? Location: at Binondo, Manila Photos by Abbie Ruiz
6 Comments
10/9/2017 07:52:48 am
So poignant, a good read! Also, can we talk about the colors of the photos <3 shooookt.
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Bryan Casio
10/9/2017 06:09:10 pm
Thank you so much for your kind word, Joanna! I'm so happy you liked what I wrote and the photos as well. Hope we can hangout again soon! xx
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Zy
10/11/2017 05:06:14 pm
could not have been written any better. words really captured the uncertainty that comes with freedom. love your post-yet again.
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Bryan Casio
10/11/2017 05:09:13 pm
Aww, thanks! I'm glad you liked it! You've always been so kind <3 love ya
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I live in permanent belief that I don't belong. I don't know whether to buy still or sparkling water, let alone my purpose in life.
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Bryan Casio
3/2/2018 10:48:00 am
One thing that one must accept in the pursuit to find one's place in the world is that we, in all aspects in our life were once unknown. Be reminded that only those who are lost are truly found. So, if you are still being taunted with this feeling of nothingness, be reminded that life is a constant search for happiness, yet alone belonging into one place. One thing that I realized after reading your comment is that, if I can't belong to just one place, when maybe I can belong to multiple places.
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